We are all aware of the horrors of the infamous fart. It’s stinky, uncalled for, and it always ruins the mood. Why must our natural gases come out in such an ugly fashion? Why can’t our farts smell good and why are we forced to say excuse me afterwards? If only the world would accept this natural call for inner cleansing. Alas, unless the human race is wiped out and reborn with different paradigms and traditions, you better hold that junk in buddy.

There are many types of farts out there and a bunch of silly sites naming and making up hilarious facts about passing gas, but I am going to tell you, from my own personal experience, three of the most common forms of farts I identify most closely with. To start off simply, you have the noisy fart or as I like to call them Loud and Proud! These farts are more known for their outrageously diverse sounds and pitches rather than their smell. In fact, these farts hardly smell at all. It is kind of like your behind (trying to be polite here) is signaling to the world that it exists rather than actually emitting any smell. A fact to all you beans haters who say beans give you smelly gas. I applaud you on your biased stupidity for, in fact, those who eat beans, like myself, tend to have the louder, nearly odorless farts.

Then there are the silently yet nose murdering farts that completely turns all your friends and family against you in a second (trust me, I would know) hence their nickname, The Silent Assassins. This kind of fart is extremely notorious for ruining dinnertime and stinking up the classroom to name a few. Usually this smelly little creature is caused by consuming a lot of eggs and meat, two things I eat regularly. If you are ever in a situation where you have released this threat in a crowded area, I suggest you do one of two things. You either pretend to smell it first and make its presence known so others will not suspect you. The quiet suspects are usually the culprits. Another idea is, if possible, moving to any other area in a casual, unaware manner. These are both techniques I tend to use to get out of troubling situations. And if you run out of the best two options I have described above, blame it on someone else.

Then there is the Port. This is by far the worst fart imaginable, the demon of all farts. This fart is a combination of the first two with a worse outcome. The Port is a combination of pooping and farting at the SAME TIME! This is a rarity in the farting universe yet it is bound to cause a dilemma for both the farter and the victims. The Port is a strident, ruthless fart that is extremely and uncomfortably warm. In the process of the possible 3-4 second fart duration, there is a 75% chance that you will indeed poop in your pants. No, not a gigantic brown cucumber, but more like a brownish spew of wet feces on the inside of your underwear. It reeks, I am telling you. I much rather wet my bed than be approached with a Port quandary. If you are among the lucky few who experience a Port without the pooping part, you will definitely feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day due to the humid conditions around your undersides.

I have experienced many farts in my lifetime, some mercifully, others malicious and barbaric. I have seen a lot, smelt a lot, felt a lot. You must take my advice when I tell you that farts are no laughing matter. They are dangerous forces tasked with ruining our relationships with our loved ones and our status quo. We will all be challenged by these fiends more than a dozen times in our lives and I believe that, though we cannot stop these stinky air bubbles, we can be better than them.

Say excuse me whenever you fart, avoid farting in large groups, and please don’t laugh about them because frankly, they are not funny… okay maybe they are but that is beside the point, people! If you really need to pass your smelly gas, leave the room and wait for at least five minutes after the process is complete for the air around you to get diluted before joining the crowd. Spare the noses of others from your human mistakes. Now if you will excuse me, I must be heading to my private chambers (my bedroom) to unleash a barrage of those ugly stinkers right now.

Boyson-Angelous